A Cybermonk's Chapbook

2006-04-24T14:56:00.000-07:00

Redmon Barbry

Part 1: Daily Missile

Part 2: Adoramus

Part 3: In nomine Patris

Notes:
1. "Daily Missile" is a play on the term "Daily Missal," the prayer and service book used in its various forms throughout centuries of Catholic practice.

2. "Adoramus" means "Let us adore (him)."

3. "In Nomine Patris" means "In the name of the Father."

Ite, missa est

2006-04-24T14:33:00.000-07:00

Ite_missa_est = FALSE;
while(!Ite_missa_est)
{
    confiteor();
    introit(date);
    Kyrie.eleison();
    Christe.eleison();
    Kyrie.eleison();
    if (!advent && !lent && !septuagesima && !requiem)
    Gloria();
    reading(I, date);
    VerbumDomini::DeoGratias();
    psalm* p = psalmtext(date);
    int v = 1;
    while(!p->selah())
    {
        p->verse(v++);
        p->response();
    }
    reading(II, date);
    VerbumDomini::DeoGratias();
    reading(Gospel, date);
    VerbumDomini::LausTibiChristi();
    do forever
    {
        homily();
        break;
    }
    Credo();
    Sanctus();
    PaterNoster();
    AgnusDei();
    for (each_communicant)
    {
        cout << "Corpus Domini...";
        if (confirmed && !divorced)
            cin >> host;
        cout << "Amen";
    }
    if (obligation_is_fulfilled)
        Ite_missa_est = TRUE;
}
            (exeunt omnes)

"Ite, missa est," are the final words of the Latin mass, meaning approximately, "Go, you are sent forth."

Kyrie eleison

2006-04-24T14:18:00.000-07:00

Kyrie eleison
Kyrie eleison
Kyrie ouch can't he find the pitch eleison
Kyrie is the cantor's job really worth it eleison
Kyrie another one down three to go eleison
Kyrie one sees all sorts of people at Easter that never come any other time eleison
Kyrie I had to park more than a block away this morning eleison
Kyrie when did I last have my oil changed eleison
Kyrie damn I left the cat outside eleison

Christe eleison
Christe omygod he's here again eleison
Christe there he just walked in eleison
Christe there are some wierd people in this world eleison
Christe last christmas he shaved the back of his head eleison
Christe I thought he was wearing a brightly decorated yar... thing you know eleison
Christe a yarmulke eleison
Christe right but he wasn't eleison
Christe he had glued a bottlefull of sparkly stuff to his scalp eleison

Kyrie watch he has a whole routine of poses for each step of the mass eleison
Kyrie he lives in his car eleison
Kyrie he says he's a prophet eleison
Kyrie I prophesy that he will be here again next mass eleison
Kyrie eleison
Kyrie Edna will never come back eleison
Kyrie so what he drove her to it eleison
Kyrie I am so tired eleison
Kyrie eleison

Note:

"Kyrie" is the first word of the Greek phrase, "Kyrie eleison," which means, "Lord, have mercy." The Kyrie is a chant from the ordinary of the mass, reading as follows:

Kyrie eleison. (Lord, have mercy.)
Christe eleison. (Christ, have mercy.)
Kyrie eleison. (Lord, have mercy.)

This parody exhibits a feature known as "troping," the interpolation of a verse or other statement, usually more specific and sometimes of dubious theology, between the words of an existing chant. This practice was common in medieval chant up till the Council of Trent (1545-63), which regularized the entire mass and the offices.

Oremus

2006-04-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

Note: "Oremus" means "Let us pray."

Flectamus genua

2006-04-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

PERFORM OBLATIONS. ingulgence plenary 7 receive Credo(); PaterNoster(); for (i=1; i<= 3; i++) AveMaria(); GloriaPatri(); for (i=1; i<=5; i++) { PaterNoster(); for (j=1; j<=10; j++) AveMaria(); GloriaPatri(); } levate(); Note: "Flectamus genua" means "Let us bend our knees." "Levate" means "arise".

Verbum Domini

2006-04-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

Note: "Verbum Domini" means "(This is) the Word of the Lord," usually stated after the reading of the epistle, to which the response is "Deo gratias," or "Thanks be to God."

Canticle of the Organist

2006-04-24T13:35:00.000-07:00

on the 175th Sunday of Ordinary Time

Omygod, we need help

text by Sunder Tunes 1821-1938

music by Winder Tunes 1841-1987

JINGLE BELLS 6,5,7,7,6,5,7,7

alright people this is an intro
i play a brilliant transition into the last line of the hymn
you pick out the first note
and start singing the
FIRST VERSE
ostinato fumigato
play all the notes short so they can hear the rhythm
not that it makes any difference
gracious we'll be in Tucson by the time they reach the
CHORUS
i know you've sung this before
like five times a year for fifty years
the enthusiasm is overwhelming
woo that stop sounds odd today
probably shouldn't use vox marmoset too much
ok on to the
SECOND VERSE
like unto the first but this time played on the swell
misterioso stupido
who in the world would have thought "fore-ordained" was a singable word
my how sensitively you bellow
i understand Pavarotti is retiring soon
you should apply to be his replacement
espressivo pitifulissimo
end the verse with resignation and return to the
CHORUS
back to the great and add a mixture
get the notes right
o come on you just heard this
that's right words like "the" and "a" are tricky to sing aren't they
but i bet this part is starting to sound familiar
do not pass go do not collect $200 go directly to the
FOURTH VERSE
someday i'm going to write a service in which
we sing only the third verses of the hymns
o dear here comes the choirmaster
look at that idiot wave his arms
the choir from hell
in a church even
descant by captain kangaroo
sopranos by walmart
if I add the 1&3/16 foot steampowered chalkboard scratcher
maybe the congregation won't hear them
now slow down and pull out all the stops for the final
CHORUS
blastissimo profundo
whale call en chamade
couple to the pedal
shriekissimo obtundo
that'll teach the mob
pedal to the metal
big finish with the
AMEN
hold it out five seconds longer than anyone can possibly sing
revenge is sweet the organist is king
that's it

doodle music while they clamber collapse stumble rumble plop
back into their pews
diddle music while the associate minister tries to remember what
he's supposed to do
final poot
off engines

Note: "En chamade" (Fr.) means a style of reed stop in which the pipes are mounted horizontally in the facade of the organ.

Genuflect

2006-04-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

Agnus Dei

2006-04-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

To feed a hungry man, this is
The christly act; yet was it just
For this He came, to say we must
Be kind? The pagans knew that this
Was what the gods demanded. To
Give drink to all who thirst, needs no
Divine prescription. All are slow
To learn, to see, to act; but few
Can pass the hungry, see the homelessness,
Untouched. O Lamb of God, pray Thou for us.

The acts of mercy known to us
From nature's Law have taught our hearts
To grieve us when the wretched parts
Of humankind are thrown across
Our paths. What jail has not been home
For misery, what sickbed fails
To touch us, which bereft's travail
Has left the world unmoved? For some,
The cure for pity, heart's demise, is loss
Of love. O Lamb of God, pray Thou for us.

We needed no reminder of
Our duty here: 'tis charity.
Our ignorance did not decree
His death: it was our lack of love.
We knew those things we were to do,
And did them not. Each nail was set,
His bruised side was pierced, though not
By hammer, sword, or spear, but through
Our hardened hearts. For this, we shall not cease
To pray, O Lamb of God, grant us Thy peace.

Note:
"Agnus Dei" means "Lamb of God." The Agnus Dei is a litany from the ordinary of the mass. The full text of it reads,

Agnus Dei, qui tollis pecata mundi, miserere nobis.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis pecata mundi, miserere nobis.
Agnus Dei, qui tollis pecata mundi, dona nobis pacem.

or in English,

Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, pray for us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, pray for us.
Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world, grant us peace.

E tenebris

2006-04-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

Which thief am I? Did you invite me to
Your feast, or did my arrogance and doubt
Deny me paradise with you? For out
Of utter darkness now I call to you,
And cannot hear, for din of other's cries,
An answer to my prayer. A sinning hand
Should be cast off; a wicked eye can't stand
Your piercing glance; but my defect's my heart--
Can that be cut from me and leave a part
Worth saving, worth the Scapegoat's sacrifice?

Note:
"E tenebris" means "Out of the darkness."

Christus factus est

2006-04-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

By fire from Heav'n, Elijah's tribute burned;
Yet tongues of flame the worldly wise have spurned.

By dove descending Heav'n shows its elect;
Yet He must die and rise for our defect.

By flowers the Rose of Jesse taught God's love;
Yet thorns confirmed His Kingship from above.

By right God rules in judgement from afar;
Yet hope sends One who lay beneath the star.

Note:
"Christus factus est" are the first three words of the antiphon by the same name which is a paraphrase of the text found in Philippians 2:9-11.

Te Deum spernimus

2006-04-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

We scorne Thee, O God; we deny Thee to be the Lord;
All the earth doth ignore Thee, the Father Everlasting;
To thee all Angels cry aloud,
the Heavens and all the Powers therein.
To thee Cherubim and Seraphim continually do cry:
Holy, holy, holy, Lord God of Sabaoth;
Heaven and earth are full of the majesty of thy glory.

The glorious company of the apostles praise thee.
The goodly fellowship of the prophets praise thee.
The noble army of martyrs praise thee.
But the supposedly holy Church throughout all the world denies thee,
the Father, of an infinite majesty,
thine adorable, true, and only Son,
also the Holy Ghost the Comforter.

Thou art the King of glory, O Christ.
Thou art the everlasting Son of the Father.
When thou tookest upon thee to deliver man,
thou didst humble thyself to be born of a Virgin.
When thou hadst overcome the sharpness of death,
thou didst open the kingdom of heaven to all believers.
Thou sittest at the right hand of God, in the glory of the Father.
But we doubt that thou shalt come to be our judge.

We therefore spurn thee; we'll help ourselves,
regardless of the sacrifice of thy precious blood.
Let us be numbered among the rich;
forget glory everlasting.

Note:
"Te Deum spernimus" is a reference to the canticle, "Te Deum laudamus," which means, "We praise Thee, O god." The entire English text to this famous poem is given here.

Credo

2006-04-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

Notes:

"Credo," meaning "I believe," is the first word of the Latin version of the Nicene Creed, the complete Latin and English texts for which appear here. The Latin text has been fixed since the Council of Nicea (A.D. 325). Modern books of the mass (since Vatican II, A.D. 1962-1965) have rendered "Credo..." in English as "We believe..."

Pater Noster

2006-04-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Our supreme being, who art in some transcendental state,
Hallowed be whatever name we choose for you today.
Thy kingdom come, but not too soon;
Thy will be done, so long as it coincides with our own,
In earth; we don't care what happens in heaven.
Give us this day everything we want,
And forgive us our very few and slight trespasses,
So that perhaps we will forgive the lesser trespasses of others.
And lead us not into any but our favorite temptations,
But deliver us from the consequences of evil.

Note:
"Pater noster" means "Our Father," the first two words of the Latin form of the Lord's Prayer found in Matt. 6:9-13, the English text for which appears below.

Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth. Give us day by day our daily bread.And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that isindebted to us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. (KJV)

Offertorium

2006-04-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

Take some money, Lord, let that be
All I need to give to Thee;
Take my lip-service, let it do
To propitiate You,
To propitiate You.

Take my Sundays, Lord, let them be
Free past noon to watch TV;
Take my Obligation, Lord,
Let it mollify Thy Word,
Let it mollify Thy Word.

Take my moral rectitude,
My suburban plentitude,
My complacent hypocrisy,
Let me twice as wealthy be,
Let me twice as wealthy be.

My confession incomplete
Seems to be my greatest feat;
When I'm done here, Lord, put me
Where you think that I should be,
Where you think that I should be.

Dona eis requiem

2006-04-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

Notes:
1. "Dona eis requiem" means "Give them rest," a quote from the Mass for the dead, the so-called "requiem" mass.
2. "The Creation of Adam" from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo Buonarroti, executed 1508-12.